Are you currently in a relationship? Or do you want to be in a relationship? According to an Harvard studyRelationships are an essential part of our happiness in life. "I wished for a loving, faithful, respectful partnership in which I could develop myself and in which one can also develop as a couple. The reality was different", Birgit Untermair tells openly at the speaker's night at the Volksbühne am Rudolfplatz in Cologne. What is relationship for you? "Often I hear answers to this question such as difficult, tedious, exhausting or I'm afraid of being left. In Austria the divorce rate is between 41-43%. In Germany the divorce rate is between 37-38%. Every almost 3rd marriage gets divorced today. The number of couples who are currently only able to endure it in their partnership is probably much higher," says the speaker.
Birgit Untermair: "Find a system that suits you!"
"I was wondering how it is possible to have an unconditional relationship? I was not allowed to experience this myself for many years. One of my mentors said: "It's all a system. Recognize yours. And find one that suits you. Become equal to this one. But when you're waist-deep in the land of sacrifice, it's not so easy. But we have repeating systems. One client was married to an alcoholic. She told him, "Either you go to rehab or I divorce you. Her daughter stood protectively in front of the refrigerator and swore to herself when she was four: "I'll never have an issue with alcohol in my life. Today, my client's daughter is married and a mother. And it's her daughter who stands protectively in front of the fridge...", says Birgit Untermair.
Parents of your childhood: Which relationship did they exemplify to you?
Did you have a happy mother or father in your childhood? "Our parents always lived their relationship as well as they could in their lives," continues Birgit Untermair. "And tried to show us how to do it. But how can your father or mother pass on love if they have not experienced it themselves? I myself have been a victim of emotional violence in my life. I've often betrayed my heart, held out and endured because I thought: That's how it should be."
Birgit Untermair: Many unpleasant relationships
Eventually I ended up in a narcissistic relationship. On the one hand, you have a person reading inside you like an open book. You feel you've arrived and seen. In a split second the mood changes and you have a cold person by your side. Suddenly you are blamed for things and you wonder: What happened now? You are blamed for the success of the relationship. I felt more and more unloved. My lowest point came when I found out that I was unintentionally pregnant by him. I felt faint.
Recognize your mission in life
At that time, just before my 40th birthday, I made a decision: I didn't want to do this insanity to the child and to myself. So I decided against the baby. This "starlet" left me with a huge mission. My partner came and said to me: "You're not real and authentic at all today." I cried. Afterwards he lay in bed next to me. turned off the light and didn't take me in his arms. At that moment I stood up for myself and swore to myself: Never, never again will I humiliate myself like this. Never again will a person treat me like this.
Birgit Untermair: "Live the relationship you want."
I wanted to know why I got into this system. The journey to myself began! I learned to walk through fear and doubt. I got my diamond in sandpaper. Today I am allowed to help people in my vocation exactly where I stood at that time. And the most beautiful thing is: For three years I've been allowed to spend my life with the man with whom I have had exactly the relationship I always wanted. Suddenly relationship is easy, where I used to fight so often.
"Say YES to 100% Yourself"
How does it work now - the story with the Self-Love and so - you may wonder. "I can tell you: It's a long way. But it is worth it! Suppose you could marry yourself here and now: Would you say 100% YES to yourself now? Because if you cannot do that, why should another person do it? Suppose you are a vessel. We all have our rough edges. In the vessel are all your rough edges. Your imperfect perfections. I say your self-love jar is filled to 50% - but we strive for perfection to arrive - our 100%. So there is a lack. You are a needy person", Birgit clarifies.
"Once you feel your 100%, the world is your oyster!"
With ladies, that's buying shoes. Or some are afraid their partner will disappear. There is quickly an incredible emptiness. It's up to us to fill our glass. The partner can only fill it temporarily. Or the children. Only when they are out of the house one day, maybe the emptiness will be there again. "Once you feel your 100%, the world is your oyster. Then there is no need and no more drama. I'm sure divorce rates would drop a lot then - when you start filling your glass. To live your uniqueness and specialness" is Birgit's message to the audience.
Birgit Untermair: "This is how you live your uniqueness"
What can you do to fill your glass? The happy life will certainly not jump off your side and all is well. But you can do it yourself.
- Consciousness: A deep look into the self-love glass. What are your patterns? What are you controlled by? What is your mind. Look at this. Over and over again. Your life is a result of what your mind has been telling you for a long time.
- Set goals: Which person would you like to be in one year or five years? When you are in a partnership, create a common vision.
- Self-reflection and personal responsibility: Suppose your partner tells you something and you feel hurt. Some people pull out their guns and blast you with reproaches. Maybe you can react differently in the future: You know, by hitting the pause button. How does that work? Look at what hurts you about your partner's injury. Because this feeling has actually been inside you for a long time. Your partner just steps on it. And then you say to yourself: Interesting. Close your eyes and ask yourself: "How do I know that emotion? And then you can turn and change what has affected you where it came from. Then fear and doubt can go.
- Stay with it: Your body is not fit because you have been to the gym once. School your mindset. Observe your thoughts and stay tuned!
- Rich: The word consists of Re and I = back to me. The more I am with myself, the richer I will be in my life inside and outside.
"I wish you that with all my heart. Recognize your uniqueness, fill your glass," appeals Birgit, "it is in your hand. Once you have felt what you are worth to yourself, the world lies at your feet."