Are you currently in a relationship? Or would you like to be in a relationship? According to one Harvard studyRelationships contribute significantly to our happiness in life. "I wanted a loving, faithful, respectful partnership in which I could develop myself further and in which you could also develop as a couple. The reality was different," Birgit Untermair tells quite openly at the speaker night at the Volksbühne am Rudolfplatz in Cologne. What is relationship for you? "I often hear answers to this question such as difficult, arduous, exhausting or I'm afraid of being abandoned. In Austria, the divorce rate is between 41-43%. In Germany between 37-38%. Every almost 3rd marriage is divorced today. The dark figure of those couples who are currently just enduring it in their partnership is probably much higher," says the speaker.
Birgit Untermair: "Find a system that suits you!"
"I was wondering how it is to be able to have an unconditional relationship? I didn't get to experience that myself for many years. One of my mentors said, 'It's all a system. Know yours. And find one that fits you. Align yourself with it. However, when you're up to your waist in victim land, it's not that easy. But we have repeat systems. One client was married to an alcoholic. She told him, "Either you go to rehab or I'll divorce you. Her daughter stood protectively in front of the refrigerator and vowed at age four: I will never have an issue with alcohol in my life. Today, my client's daughter is married and a mother. And it is her daughter who stands protectively in front of the fridge...", Birgit Untermair tells.
Parents of your childhood: what relationship did they model for you?
Did you have a happy mother or father in your childhood? "Our parents have always lived as well as they could in their life relationship," Birgit Untermair continues. "And tried to show us how to do it. But how are your father or mother supposed to pass on love if they haven't experienced it themselves? I myself have been a victim of emotional violence in my life. I have very often betrayed my heart, held out and endured, because I thought: that's the way it should be."
Birgit Untermair: Many unlovely relationships
At some point I ended up in a narcissistic relationship. On the one hand, you have a person by your side who reads you like an open book. You feel like you've arrived and you've been seen. In a split second, the mood swings and you have a stone cold person by your side. Suddenly you're being blamed for things and wondering: What happened now? You're being blamed for the success of the relationship. I felt more and more unloved. My lowest point came when I found out I was pregnant by him unintentionally. I felt powerless.
Know your mission in life
At that point, just before my 40th birthday, I made a decision: I wasn't going to do this craziness to the baby or to myself. So I decided against the baby. This "little star" left me with a huge job. My partner came and said to me, "You're not being real and authentic at all today." I cried. He then laid down in bed next to me. Turned off the light and didn't give me a hug. At that moment, I stood up for myself and vowed: Never, never again will I humiliate myself like that. Never again will a man treat me like that.
Birgit Untermair: "Live the relationship you want!"
I wanted to know why I was getting into such a system. The journey to myself began! I learned to walk through fears and doubts. I got my diamond in the rough. Today, in my vocation, I get to help people exactly where I was then. And the best part: For the past three years, I've gotten to spend my life with the man with whom I'm living the exact relationship I've always wanted. Suddenly, relationships are easy where I used to struggle so often.
"Say YES to 100% to yourself."
How does it work now - the story with the Self-love and so - you may ask. "I can tell you: it's a long way. But it's worth it! Suppose you could marry yourself right here, right now: Would you say 100% YES to yourself right now? Because if you can't do that, why should any other person? Let's say you're a vessel. We all have our rough edges. Inside that vessel are all your quirks and edges. Your imperfect perfections. I'll say your self-love jar is filled to 50% - but we strive for perfection, to arrive - so our 100%. So a lack arises. You are a needy person", Birgit clarifies.
"Once you feel your 100%, the world is your oyster!"
For ladies, this is happy to buy shoes. Or some are afraid that the partner will disappear. There is quickly an incredible emptiness. It's up to us to make sure our glass is full. The partner can only fill it temporarily. Or the children. Only when they're out of the house one day, maybe the emptiness will be there again. "Once you have felt your 100%, then the world is at your feet. Then there's no more needing and no more drama. I'm sure then the divorce rates would go down a lot - once you start filling your glass. Living your uniqueness and specialness," is Birgit's message to the audience.
Birgit Untermair: "How to live your uniqueness".
What can you do to fill your glass? The happy life will certainly not jump at you from the side and it's all good. For this you may become active yourself.
Awareness: A deep look into the self-love jar. What are your patterns? What are you controlled by? What is your thought pattern. Look at that. Over and over again. Your life is a result of what your thoughts have been telling you for a long time.
Set goals: What kind of person do you want to be in one or in five years? If you are in a partnership, create a common vision.
Self-reflection and personal responsibility: Suppose your partner says something to you and you feel hurt. Some people pull out their guns and bombard you with accusations. Maybe you can respond differently in the future: By hitting the pause button. How does that work? Look at what it is about your partner's hurt that hits you. Because this feeling has actually been inside you for a long time. Your partner just steps on it. And then you say to yourself: Interesting. Close your eyes and ask yourself: "Where have I felt this emotion before? And then you can turn and change what has affected you where it has arisen. Then fear and doubt are allowed to go.
Keep at it: Your body isn't fit because you went to the gym once. School your mindset. Watch your thoughts and stay tuned!
Rich: The word consists of Re and I = back to me. The more I am with myself, the richer I will be in my life inside and outside.
"That's what I wish for you with all my heart. Recognize your uniqueness, fill your glass," Birgit appeals, "it's in your hand. Once you have felt what you are worth, the world will be your oyster."
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