Unhappily in love: break away from the old behaviour pattern

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Unhappily in love: break away from the old behaviour pattern

To be unhappy in love means one-sided love that is not reciprocated. The reasons can be very different. How to recognize the signs of unrequited love, how to deal with this unpleasant situation and what you can do yourself to become happy again, illuminates this article.

4 signs that you're unhappily in love

Heartbreak is part of life, because there is hardly a person who has not yet met unrequited love. Most people have their first experience with an unhappy love in their teens. As dramatic as this experience may be, most young people get over this unhappy love very quickly. However, unrequited love does not only happen to us in our teenage years, but can hit us at any time later in life.

1. the communication does not work

When there's a spark between two people who are on the same wavelength, there's plenty to talk about. There is no such thing as an embarrassed silence. The conversation runs all by itself. You look at each other, flirt a little in between, listen with interest and ask questions, because ultimately you want to know everything about this unique person.

With unrequited love, the situation is exactly the opposite. The interlocutor is polite and apparently listens, but a conversation does not really get going. The other person does not respond to you, the conversation remains superficial, there are no questions. This person, who is special to you, does not contribute to keeping the conversation going. Maybe he sometimes looks furtively at his watch or checks his mobile phone for incoming messages? He wouldn't behave like this if his attention was entirely on you.

2. the initiative comes from you alone

You try to keep in touch, but somehow deep inside you have a bad feeling? You're not ready to admit that he might have liked you at that great party, but that's all. A sure sign of this is when you regularly write him messages or try to call him so that the contact doesn't fizzle out. However, there is no reciprocation from your counterpart. He only responds when he receives a message from you or when you call him. However, he does not take the initiative and sees you at best as a stopgap when he has nothing better to do.

3. appointments are cancelled at short notice

Dates are canceled at short notice with easily recognizable excuses, but no new date is agreed. In this case, there is hardly any interest. You have spent a nice evening with a great man? When you see each other next time, for example, he is however completely different? He is as if changed, polite, but distant or even ignores you? In many cases, a nice evening, a hot flirtation or even more is merely due to circumstances. You feel comfortable in the situation, break out of your everyday life and just have fun. However, this is only true for this one evening. As soon as this is over, everything is back to the old.

4. the encounter was not as important for the other as it was for you

Your counterpart did not take this encounter as seriously as you did. There are certainly many more signs of unrequited love, because every situation and every person is different. However, the signs mentioned here apply to many situations.

unhappy in love symptoms

Unhappy in love: reasons why love is not reciprocated

There are no blanket answers to why we fall in love unhappily. Situations and people are too different for that. There are people who get it right at the first meeting, everything runs by itself, there is a great closeness and agreement.

Sometimes, however, people meet who simply do not fit together. Perhaps because they come from different social classes, move in different circles, have different interests or the lifestyle clearly differs. Sometimes even a different political orientation can be the reason why it doesn't fit. Most of the time, however, it's simply because the other person just doesn't fall in love with you. Maybe because he prefers a different type or you have different ideas about life. Sometimes it is simply because we meet the right person at the wrong time, that is, when both or one is already taken.

The reasons can also lie within oneself, for example, lack of Self-confidencethe fear of being alone. Sometimes we are also repeat offenders and always fall in love with the wrong people because we are not happy with our current life. dissatisfied are. It often happens on vacation or at parties: the hot flirtation that often ends between the sheets. It was nice and exciting, everyday life far away. However, the rude awakening comes the next day: for him, it was just a nice evening and sex that won't be repeated.

Unconscious behavior patterns

Family and social backgrounds also shape us. We tend to unconsciously adopt the behavioral patterns that shape us family-wise. A happy childhood usually leads to stable and self-confident personalities who are also much happier in life, whether alone or with a partner. A troubled childhood also often leads to troubled and less confident personalities in adulthood. Such people are more inclined to fall in love with the wrong people than people who have had mostly positive experiences.

Reflect on your Relationship or even the past with self-criticism: Which behaviors of the other trigger you the most? Perhaps you already know these from someone in your immediate environment: namely from your mother or your father. Because in most cases, situations that we already experienced in childhood are repeated in our current relationships.

Once you have recognized this for yourself, it will help you to be more calm in the future. Or to take a clear stand: "I don't want that in my life anymore!" Every no to something that is not good for you is a yes to yourself. That is self-love, authentic communication and Mindfulness.

Become more and more aware of the values you want to live by - whether to yourself or together in a relationship.

unrequited love

Unhappily in love: how to deal with unrequited love?

Friends and family

If you have dear people in your social environment whom you trust unconditionally, that is worth a lot. Ask them for help and comfort and pour out your heart. Sometimes it helps to get your heartbreak off your chest.

One, it's not you.

Many people who meet an unhappy love, blame themselves. They chafe because they think that maybe not attractive or successful to be enough. Maybe you wonder if you're boring, if you should have approached the conversation differently. Whether you might have said something wrong. Maybe you talked or laughed too much and too loud? Were you awkward in any way? Did you not have enough spirit and Charm? Such and similar questions automatically arise when one's own love is not reciprocated. However, who sees himself in such a negative light, makes himself small and exaggerates the counterpart.

The fact is, most of the time it's not you, your behavior, the way you look, the way you talk, or whatever. The best thing to do is to go with a unfulfilled love around when you acknowledge that you are not the reason. It's not meant to be. Because your perfect match is still out there somewhere waiting for you. The fine art is, right at that moment, to trust and let go. Look: What does this situation do to you? What feeling does it evoke in you? In moments like these, coaching can quickly bring you more clarity and inner peace help you.

2. do something good for yourself

Go shopping, sit in your favorite cafe or make an appointment with the hairdresser. A new hairstyle works wonders. Maybe it's time to go on vacation, too. Exercise releases the happy hormone dopamine and increases your sense of well-being. And if you're not feeling well: then let all that anger or sadness come up and show itself. Tears can often be so liberating and help you let go of the old a little more.

3. focus on your positive qualities

Take a piece of paper and write down what you have achieved in your life so far and what positive qualities you have. Ask your best friends what they appreciate about you. A new start in your career and/or personal life can also help you forget about heartbreak. A new job is so demanding that you don't have time to think about your heartbreak. New hobbies bring new impressions and social contacts.

4. unhappy in love: break off contact

It is important to completely break off contact with the desired person - as difficult as that may be for you. Even if he should contact you in the meantime, don't go for it. Keep to yourself. Stay polite, but keep your distance during chance encounters. Sometimes that's easier said than done, though, so it's even more important to be clear about what a flirtation or more with a good friend or work colleague can entail.

6 Tips to improve your luck in love

1. communication at eye level

If the communication does not fit, it will be nothing with love. Physical attraction, desire and flowing hormones alone may be enough for one night, but not for a lasting love. Communication must be at eye level. If possible, there should be a similar level of education and social environment, as well as similar interests. If two people move in completely different worlds, it usually does not work with communication and problems arise.

2. physical attraction

Nevertheless, it does not work completely without physical attraction. However, it is not so much good looks that play a role here, but the overall picture of personality and Charisma. Of course, good looks and attractiveness do not hurt.

3. the opinion of family and friends

People who are close to you can make life quite difficult for you if they don't love your new accept or at least harbor doubts. If you are unconditionally committed to each other, you can safely ignore the objections. If your social environment is important to you, you should choose a partner who has a similar background to yours.

4th gut feeling

Not in every situation can love be rationally justified, sometimes it is simply a gut feeling when we instinctively feel comfortable with a person and trust them. Pay attention to whether this positive Feeling persists even after a longer period of time.

5. similarities

Family and social imprinting contribute a lot to our later choice of partner. Character similarities and interests make other people fundamentally attractive to us, especially if we have had positive experiences with family and our social environment. Similarity and same interests are good, but not one hundred percent. Too much unity and similarity can also "beat you to death" and make your partner uninteresting over time. Differences are challenging and make our mates interesting. However, the same values and outlook on life, the same desires and requirements are helpful to be happy with each other in the long run.

6. communicate ideas about the future

Of course, you shouldn't blurt out your entire future plans on the first date, that you might want to have four children, be a department head in ten years and be the happy owner of a fancy house. That can also be off-putting. However, if it turns out that an initial flirtation will turn into a permanent partnership, you should talk about your ideas for the future. This is the only way to find out whether your life plans fit together.

Unhappy in love? Put an end to this phase

Are you unhappy in love right now? Or are you wondering why such situations keep happening to you? We show you how you can learn to deal with it better and better. On YouTube you can find wonderful guided meditations like this on the topic of self-love and what you are worth to yourself. Christina and Walter Hommelsheim, trainers of our Greator Coach Training, show you how a happy life is possible again.


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Reviewed by Dr. med. Stefan Frädrich

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