You can't with him, but you can't without him either: the toxic man. You know very well that he is not good for you. But somehow you still can't get away from him. You feel incredibly attracted to him. Yet sometimes he drives you just as mad.
All the alarm bells are glowing red and yet you're paralyzed. But what's the reason? What does "toxic" even mean? And how do you deal with a such relationship um? Questions upon questions. And we have the answers!
"Toxic" means nothing other than "poisonous". But what then is toxic masculinity supposed to be? This term covers all stereotypes that are considered typical of men and from which those closest to them - especially their partners - suffer. These include dominance, control, insensitivity and aggression.
Toxic men display destructive behaviors. They think they must be the dominant part and not show any feelings. Only then are they true men in their eyes. Everything else is considered weak.
At this point, we first need to clarify something: Of course, not all men are toxic. Nevertheless, there are always people who strictly follow stereotypical role models because they believe that these are the only true views. Often they have been taught the same thing in their childhood and have adopted the pattern for themselves (as true and right). And this has consequences: Even in relationships that appear incredibly loving on the outside, toxic traits can lie dormant.
Not all men act this way intentionally. Often this view of true masculinity is deeply anchored in their subconscious because it was modeled for them by their parents and grandparents. Clearly, if a boy has been taught from an early age that things like vulnerability are clearly weaknesses that men are not allowed to show, sooner or later a disturbed perception will develop. They learn not to feel their own limits and then naturally have problems recognizing the limits of others. They quickly hurt their fellow men - sometimes without realizing it.
What often falls by the wayside in the process are social skillssuch as caring or finding compromises, because these qualities tend to belong in the stereotypical image of women. According to these role models, real men are not supposed to put up with anything, while women are the ones who can definitely back down, if this long-outdated understanding is anything to go by.
Toxic men simply swallow their emotions, because they believe that anything else would be a sign of weakness. They give everything to always be the dominant part and have no problem belittling other people - especially women. Feminism is a foreign word to them. Toxic men think in terms of gender roles, and feminism simply has no place there. So why should they bother with it?
Sexism is strongly pronounced in their mindset, often also accompanied by dominance and control compulsion. Nothing may happen without toxic men knowing about it and having allowed it. In their eyes, only they have the power and no one else. This can also turn into assault - aggression and violence get out of hand.
Not to be forgotten is the heightened sense of competition. In the eyes of toxic men, only they themselves are the only true number one and anyone who wants to stand in their way is pushed aside as hard as nails - sometimes even at almost any price.
Sometimes the toxic traits of a man show up only in the middle of a relationship. According to sociologists, you can recognize them by various signs, which we will now present to you.
Probably the most obvious characteristic that toxic men display is that they show you no respect. They demand a lot of it themselves. But they don't have any left for you. So they want to exude dominance and show that they are the ones who have the power in the relationship. Your desires, your friends, your career - all of that is worth nothing in their eyes. Equality? No way, they don't think anything of it.
You are in the back of the line. Toxic men always want to be the main person and they don't care about what is important to you. They want you to be subordinate. Again and again you catch yourself canceling the meeting with your friends because your partner wants you to stay at home.
But he himself would never dream of staying at home with you when he has plans. And that is exactly right in his eyes. He is a free man who can do whatever he wants. But your Needs do not interest him (really).
Of course, there is nothing against you taking over the household as a woman, even if this is a stereotype. But this is only true as long as you decide to do it voluntarily. Toxic men impose the work on you, because they believe that a real man does not pick up a broom or a wooden spoon. They simply assume that you will spoil them when they come home from work and they don't care that you have a job too. They rest while you continue to work after hours - for them.
Toxic men see you as their property. They want to control what you do, what you wear, who you date, what you eat, how much you weigh, and these are just a few examples. They comment on every step you take and want to take full control of your life. Sometimes they even make you do things you don't want to do at all. Yet you let them do it to you.
Toxic men see themselves as the main provider for the family. If you earn more than them, it scratches their ego. They may even persuade you to quit your job and take care of the household and the family. That way they can always hold it against you that they bring home the money and not you. In return, they want you to be incredibly grateful be. This is another point with which they want to drive you into dependence.
Of course, the literal translation of the term "gaslighting" has nothing to do with what it means. It refers to the play of the same name by Patrick Hamilton, which is about psychological violence. Toxic men manipulate you to such an extent that you eventually doubt your own perception and they can talk you into virtually anything they want.
They deliberately plant untruths in your head - in their favor, of course. You are completely irritated, no longer know what is right and what is wrong and these Uncertainty toxic men take advantage of this. They then stage themselves as saviors in distress and hold the strings.
Sure, everyone is angry sometimes. But at a certain point, this anger is no longer justified and toxic men exceed this point. They become aggressive, want to intimidate you and may even become physical. If you become a victim of violence, get help - no matter how hard it is! There are numerous contact points, including help hotlines, to which you can also turn anonymously.
Toxic men always find fault with you. This makes you so insecure that you don't even know how to behave without them getting angry. But you also don't dare address them about it, because you have Fear from an argument that may escalate. Tell your partner that you feel cramped and just aren't happy anymore? Absolutely not!
That is much too risky for you. You know he'd make fun of you, ridicule you, and maybe even bully you. So you'd rather apologize immediately after you've tried to address something, butter up your toxic husband, and back off.
Are you in a Relationship with a toxic manyou basically have two options: Either you learn how to deal with it. Or you take the final step and separate from him for good. Admittedly, both options are not easy. Why would you leave someone you love? But why would you stay with someone who is anything but good for you? Only you can decide which option is best for you.
Try to be clear about from which Motivation out you want to continue to be with this person. Is it love? Or Habit? Or possibly the fear of being left behind after the Separation to be alone again?
Relationship experts agree in such situations: Here, only self-protection is the right approach. It's incredibly important that you don't believe your partner's belittling remarks. You are valuable, you are a great person with so many lovable qualities and nothing about you is bad or wrong. You must never forget that!
Your partner knows that, too, and that's exactly why he's trying to Self-confidence to destroy. As a toxic man, he hopes to make you believe that you will never find a partner again if you break up with him. With this he tries to lead you into a emotional dependence to force you to stay with him at all costs.
An Relationship with a toxic man requires an incredible amount of emotional strength from you. So ask yourself the question: Can you really muster it? Is it worth it to you to put so much energy into this partnership, even though you only give, but get nothing in return? A good relationship consists of a balanced give and take and this will not be possible if your partner cannot overcome his toxic traits.
One thing is fact: A toxic relationship education is anything but easy. If you want to maintain the partnership, you need an especially thick skin. A toxic man will always make you feel that you are worth less than him and he will always try everything to restrict and control you. So two questions arise. Can he manage to overcome his toxic traits? Can you manage to deal with it?
By the way, it is often not only the partners who suffer from their toxic behavior, but also the men themselves. Not infrequently, they are well aware of this, but simply do not manage to jump over their shadow. They see that they are not doing their partners any good and that hurts them. But they have Fearthat they will be abandoned if they release the women from emotional dependence. So they are stuck in a real dilemma.
If you're not sure if you're stuck in a toxic partnership, feel free to do our Relationship test!
