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Sometimes together, then alone again: the on-off relationship is stressful

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Sometimes together, then alone again: the on-off relationship is stressful

"Then go" - these words are often the beginning of the end of the relationship. Or not? After the breakup, you get back together. You try again, because the love is still there. But you can't stand it for long: Your partner is a pain in the ass. Turn it off, turn it on: Such a Relationship than constant ups and downs will wear you out in the long run.

You ask yourself: Why did I get into such an on-off relationship? How can I get out of this endless loop? A personality test helps you to recognize your behavioral patterns and to to break the habits: A good approach to develop yourself and work on your relationship skills.

What is an on off relationship?

On Off Beziehung, was ist das? Diese Art von Liebesbeziehung bezeichnet den wiederholten Wechsel von Zusammensein und Trennung. Der Begriff bezieht sich auf das Ein- und Ausschalten der Partnerschaft: Natürlich kann diese Konstellation nicht langfristig funktionieren. Schließlich braucht eine starke Liebesbeziehung Beständigkeit und Verlässlichkeit. Darum ist es wichtig, an dieser unsicheren Basis zu arbeiten.

Whether it's on Commitment Anxiety or other causes: Both partners suffer from the on off rhythm. When the initial infatuation wears off, you feel disturbed by your partner's idiosyncrasies. You realize that you don't have that much in common at all. So you break up.

You don't feel well without the other either. Then you miss your partner - and you want to be close again. Oh, we'll try again, it'll work out. After a few weeks you realize that neither of you is happy with the situation: The next breakup follows. But there are beautiful shared memories that bring you together again ... That's what an on-off relationship looks like.

typical triggers of an on off relationship

4 typical triggers of an on off relationship

For an on off relationship there are several causes. If both partners are struggling with similar problems, the risk of this unbalanced partnership increases. Typical triggers of an on off relationship are:

  • Commitment Anxiety,
  • Narcissism,
  • external and internal insecurity,
  • Dependence on the ex.

People with severe commitment anxiety believe that separation or starting over will solve their problems. Attachment anxiety makes it difficult for them to fully commit to their partner. Due to bad experiences in childhood or complexes, they no longer believe in trusting love.

Narcissists and egocentrics influence their partner so strongly that the partner becomes dependent. Only the needs of the strongest count. Emotional blackmail characterizes many on-off relationships. That's why you should be careful to stay in control of your life and not be dependent on your partner's whims.
An insecure living situation can also have a negative impact on a partnership. You move to another city and a long-distance relationship threatens? You have problems to prove yourself at work and your partner is annoying you because of it? Mood changes are pre-programmed. Especially with a physical distance there is the danger of an on-off relationship.

Are you by any chance from an ex emotionally dependent? Does he still have control over you, at least unconsciously? If you have not finally finished with your ex-partner, there is not much chance for a new love. Or rather, it would not be surprising if the same happens to you in the new partnership.

Can an on off relationship be successful?

When the relationship is just turned back on, everything feels good. You are enjoying your togetherness and are sure of your love. But this state doesn't last long, and you're already trapped in your time warp again. Old patterns of behavior can't be discarded so quickly. This requires work on both sides. The reasons for separation come back to you, you argue and the next separation comes.

On-off relationships with narcissists or commitment phobics have little chance of improvement. But depending on the situation, the rollercoaster of love doesn't have to be toxic. Ask yourself the right questions to get yourself out of the vicious cycle:

  • How did I get into this on off relationship?
  • What triggers this state in me?
  • What can I specifically change?

If the on off relationship was due to a move or a job change, it may just be a temporary breakup. Occasionally life gets in the way and interferes with your plans and also your love relationship. But that doesn't have to be the end.

A strong love relationship will give you the strength to get out of the on off game. But for that you need Patience, self-knowledge and the courage to change.

On Off Relationship Success

Hope for recovery: how the on-off relationship becomes a lasting love affair

Can an on-off relationship be salvaged? Under certain conditions: Yes. But for that you need a basic agreement. With couples counselling you can put yourself in the other person's shoes and rethink your behaviour patterns.

Coaching would also be an option. In this, you are allowed to deal with your issues in depth, which the other reflects to you. Start honestly reflecting on your feelings and thoughts. Close your eyes for a short time for this little exercise.

  1. What does the argument trigger in you? Is it anger, sadness, do you feel alone or not seen?
  2. Where can you sense the feeling in your body?
  3. Describe it: Maybe it even shows up in a shape or a color. You might even come up with a picture. If not, that's no big deal. In this exercise, the only thing that matters is to give the feeling that is showing up a space. It is allowed to show itself! Say to yourself three times in a row, "Everything that is there may be there!"
  4. Now go one step further: Perhaps you can think of a situation in your childhood in which you have experienced exactly this feeling. Only it may have taken place with your parents.

In our lives, situations are thrown at us over and over again that trigger us. The question is, do you want to continue to react in the old pattern or are there possibly other solutions? For this you may first become aware of your values in life.

Is an on off relationship healthy?

Among the most famous on-off partners in history are Liz Taylor and Richard Burton. They loved and separated, quarreled and reconciled. Even in normal life there are many couples who obviously can not be together, but also can not be apart.

Commitment anxiety and Fear of loss alternate. The perpetual on and off further fuels these anxieties and triggers depressive moods. The Disappointments are accumulating. In the worst case, psychological and physical violence are added.

Psychology has no blanket advice, but it does give partners helpful tips on how to deal with it. The joint conversation is particularly important: Only if the partners talk about possible reasons for separation or future wishes, the relationship has a chance.

An toxic relationship usually does not have good prospects. Some people do not fit together, even if it seems so at first glance.

If the on off relationship can't be mended, no one needs to feel guilty. This is about the well-being and health of both partners. Depression and chronic discomfort are a clear sign that something is wrong.

How do you feel when you're about to get back together? Relieved and hopeful? Newly in love and full of commitment? Or are you driven by pity, a sense of duty... xenophobia back to the ex? If positive feelings and motives accompany you, you have a chance - if not, the separation is the better way. Because one thing is clear: On Off Relationships Harm Mental Health in the Long Run.

How do you decide whether to stay or leave the relationship?

There are crises in every partnership, that is quite normal. Then the unpleasant scenes predominate. But that doesn't have to be a reason for separation. But if you are unhappy and tired of the eternal back and forth, the end with horror seems better than the daily horror without end.

For a reliable relationship you need mutual trust and an inner unity. Only on a solid foundation can lasting love take root. A break in a relationship does not have to mean that everything is over. On the contrary, the distance helps you to get to know your own point of view better.

Realize that a failed relationship is not a rejection of love. No one has to prove anything to the other person or protect them from everything. Some people are indeed not suitable for each other.
An on off relationship stresses both partners - and is definitely more damaging than single life. A love relationship creates harmony and consistency: it should not cause stress, but strengthen the partners. When you no longer feel the togetherness, it's time for a breakup. At the latest when you switch off for the second time, you will realize how absurd the repeated attempts to preserve the already worn-out love are.

The on-off relationship with its repressions and unfounded hopes is a concept of unhappiness in the long run. A life without the toxic partner, on the other hand, offers you freedom and distance from the usual drama.

5 Tips to End the On-Off Relationship

How do I manage to provide clarity? Why is the separation so difficult for me? With the on off relationship, there is no final break up. And that is exactly the problem. First of all, a fundamental decision has to be made: Do you want to stay together or do you want to break up? Sure, you've already decided several times - sometimes for love, sometimes for separation. Temporarily. But now you have to make a binding decision.

  • Tip one: Talk to each other - talk about your feelings, hopes and fears. This is the only way you have a chance to break the on-off loop.
  • Tip 2: Stay consistent with your decision. This time there is no turning back. Even if it hurts at first: From now on you go separate ways - or together, depending on what you have decided.
  • Tip Three: Focus on yourself. This is especially important if your strong feelings are not reciprocated. Listen to yourself and strengthen your personality. With more Self-confidence you'll feel ready for a new love later.
  • Tip Four: Free yourself from Relationship problems. When the negative experiences and emotions the frustration grows. Turn off, turn off: You no longer want to have a toxic on off relationship. Then rather the violent end with horror, and then there is peace.
  • Tip 5: Remain self-determined. Don't be backed into a corner or emotionally blackmailed. It's about your life. Of course the partners in a relationship influence each other, but the partnership should be in balance. If you are constantly controlled by others, you run the risk of becoming ill at some point.
Saving On-Off Relationship

How to save an on-off relationship

Sometimes an on Off relationship into the positive transform. This can be seen in the positive memories and successes of the partnership. What have you experienced and achieved? And you are often so relaxed and playful with each other! If your relationship has some consistency and you continue to love each other, you can save it.

With a large portion of self-knowledge and humor you have a good starting point to solve the existing conflicts. This is helped by a Personality Development. On our platform Greator the free course on the topic of happy relationships brings you further. The coaches Christina and Walter give good tips for a strong love relationship.

Get to know yourself better and improve your relationship skills - sign up and learn more about the topic.

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Reviewed by Dr. med. Stefan Frädrich

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