Infidelity: How do I deal with the situation correctly?

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Infidelity: How do I deal with the situation correctly?

An infidelity is an immense test for every partnership. After such an incident, trust is shaken for the time being. Whether it can be restored depends on the individual case. In any case Patience and commitment are required.

But why do so many people - both men and women - cheat on their partners in the first place? And what is the best way to behave after an infidelity, if you have the Save relationship would like? You can find out this and more in the following article.

What is meant by a fling?

Defining an infidelity is not that easy. After all, what behavior is considered a misstep can vary from partnership to partnership. In common parlance, however, a fling refers to sexual infidelity.

By the way, did you know that the likelihood of cheating increases with age? According to Study results of the University of New Hampshire, men aged 55 and older and women aged 45 and older are particularly predisposed.

In the head or in bed: Where does a fling begin?

When infidelity begins is very individual from couple to couple. While some couples only talk about an infidelity during the sexual act, others already feel cheated when the partner merely thinks about another man or woman. However, it can be stated without a doubt that a one-night stand or even an affair is definitely a case of Cheating acts.

If there has not yet been any sexual contact, the definition is much more difficult. Whether kissing, for example, is to be considered a fling can also vary from person to person. It is best for both partners to discuss at the beginning of the relationship what limits apply to them in this respect.

In any case, it becomes critical for the partnership if an emotional-romantic bond has been established with a third person. This applies regardless of whether there has already been an exchange of physical intimacy. Emotional infidelity can be just as hurtful as a sexual fling. That is why numerous couples therapists advise to name it accordingly.

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4 typical behaviors after a fling

Wondering if your partner is being unfaithful? Not always you get a honest answerif you express your suspicions directly. For this reason, it is helpful to pay attention to certain changes in behavior that are typical of an infidelity or affair.

1. new styling

Have you noticed that your partner dresses up extra when he or she leaves the house? Does he or she even wear a new perfume or a new haircut? Has he or she recently started going to the gym regularly and/or lost a considerable amount of weight? Then it could be that your partner wants to impress someone.

Of course, it is equally possible that the visual changes are simply a sign of increased self-care. However, in combination with increasing distance towards you, the alarm bells should be ringing.

2. your partner has no more time for you

Do you have the feeling that your partner is distancing himself from you? Has he been working overtime more often lately or does he have appointments all the time? In this case, you should be alert. It could be that he or she is using this to free up time for his or her affair.

It is also possible that your partner encourages you to be out and about more often: "How about meeting up with XY again? Wouldn't you like to go to the gym again in the evening?" What is interpreted by you as benevolent advice is possibly an attempt to keep you busy so that your partner can date elsewhere.

3. your sex life has fallen asleep

Can you remember the last time you made love? Does intimacy perhaps no longer take place at all, or does the whole thing feel like a loveless chore? Numerous cheaters physically distance themselves from their steady partners: After all, they now find their sexual fulfillment elsewhere. A guilty conscience may also play a role.

Sometimes, however, the opposite is also the case. A fling can inspire your partner's desire, so that he or she suddenly wants to have sex much more often. Both variants are equally suspicious, depending on their characteristics.

4. the telltale glance at the cell phone

The cell phone has already unmasked many an infidelity. Has your partner recently been careful not to let his cell phone fall into your hands unattended? Does he even seem nervous when it rings and you are nearby? Have phone calls even been abruptly ended? Then you can safely assume that your partner is hiding something from you.

Suspicion does not, of course, constitute permission to gain unauthorized access to your cell phone. This is often not even necessary. If your partner is really cheating, sooner or later he will betray himself in another way. According to the statistics of the well-known couple therapist Ragna Beer, more than half of all infidelities come to light:

Should I confess the infidelity - Yes or No?

Confessing infidelity - Yes or No? This is a controversial question of mankind. Ultimately, only you can decide what is right for you in your personal situation. Nevertheless, we would like to try to give you some impulses along the way.

First of all, you should clarify the question of what the person you cheated with means to you. If you have built up an emotional bond, this will involuntarily burden your current partnership. Unless you are willing to suppress these feelings or even think about a Separation you need to talk to your partner in a self-explanatory way.

If, on the other hand, the fling meant nothing to you on an emotional level, the considerations continue: Was it a one-night stand that you will never see again? Do you deeply regret your misstep? Was there perhaps even alcohol involved? In this case, it may be better to keep quiet so as not to jeopardize your functioning relationship for a moment of weakness.

The thing with conscience

Talk is silver, silence is gold: In the case of an infidelity, this well-known wisdom can certainly be of great benefit. All too often, there is a desire to ease one's conscience by confessing everything to one's partner. However, as already explained, this does not always make sense.

Provided that it is one-time slip has acted (and has been prevented!), it is in many cases better not to say anything. After all, you are punished enough by your Guilt and your guilty conscience. On the other hand honesty offer a chance to work on the relationship. There is no universal one-size-fits-all solution.


5 tips to prevent infidelities

A fling shakes every partnership and often leads to a breakup. For this reason, you should know in advance how you can prevent infidelities. Often, cheating is not a spontaneous impulse, but a sign of Dissatisfaction within the current partnership. This can be remedied in a concrete way:

1. take time for intimacy

Many flings happen because the sexual attraction has been lost within one's own partnership. Especially in long-term relationships, sexuality often recedes into the background and becomes a (boring) Routine. However, it does not have to come to that!

As a long-term couple, you are very familiar with each other: this is a perfect basis for talking about sexual desires. Dare to try something new. Sensual experiences can give your partnership an enormous boost. The incentive to cheat, on the other hand, decreases.

2. plan your future together

Reflect on your common goals in life: Where do you see yourselves as a couple in five years? What do you want to experience and achieve together? Remembering these plans can help you to value your relationship (again). You realize that you don't want to jeopardize all the dreams you have together by having a fling.

3. talk about your needs and concerns

Infidelities are not always purely sexually motivated. Those who cheat often feel misunderstood or not taken seriously by their partner. If you now meet someone who gives you attention and affection, it can quickly come to a fling.

That is why communication is so important in a relationship! Talk about your wishes and concerns. Tell your partner if you feel misunderstood or not valued enough. Only if he knows about it, he can finally change something in his behavior.

4. grants each other sufficient freedom of action

If you feel constricted in your relationship, you are even more susceptible to the temptation of a fling. For this reason, spend time apart from each other! It is perfectly okay to pursue different interests and hobbies. Despite partnership, each of you remains an independent personality.

5. remain attractive for each other

Once you're in a committed relationship, your efforts for each other often wane. After all, why should you make an effort for your partner? He or she is already together with you. However, this way of thinking can encourage a fling.

Of course, no one expects you to always walk around in a black minidress or a chic suit at home. Every now and then, however, it can't hurt to dress up for each other. Regular body care, on the other hand, should be a matter of course.

Forgive infidelity: Here's how it can work

In order to be able to forgive an infidelity, the shaken trust must be restored. The first step is to clarify whether both parties can still imagine a future together. Sometimes the person who has been betrayed needs some time to find an answer. The following applies here: Do not pressure him or her under any circumstances! Both partners must really want a new start.

If you have decided to give your relationship another chance despite the infidelity, open communication is essential. Are you unfaithful then answer all the questions your partner should have. Together you can now find out the reasons for the infidelity and work on your relationship: What were you missing in your partnership? What unresolved conflicts are there between you?

As painful as a fling may be, it still provides an opportunity to work on the relationship. However, each party must do their part. Thus, it is indispensable that the betrayed party is ready to wholeheartedly forgivewhile the cheater should have learned from his mistake and of course not repeat it.

Conclusion: A fling does not have to mean the end

A fling is painful and turns the lives of everyone involved upside down. Nevertheless, it happens again and again for a variety of reasons. If a partner cheats, it usually means that he or she is not happy in the current situation. Relationship something is missing.

Instead of acting out these desires with a third person, you should talk to your partner about your desires and Needs talk. Only when he or she knows what is bothering you can a change take place. There is a solution or at least a compromise for almost every problem in a partnership, so that the risk of a fling is reduced.


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Reviewed by Dr. med. Stefan Frädrich

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