When commitment anxiety shows up - don't back down!

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When commitment anxiety shows up - don't back down!

Don't get too close - or maybe you do? Some people suffer from commitment anxiety that they can't explain to themselves. Do you have trouble committing to a long, deep relationship? Do your partner's demands feel threatening to you? How do you feel when a commitment solidifies - do you perhaps want to distance yourself again?

The fear of too narrow Relationships is not uncommon. Here you will get a deep insight into the topic and learn how to overcome commitment anxiety.

What exactly is commitment anxiety?

What is commitment anxiety anyway? According to Stefanie Stahl, an experienced psychotherapist, people with attachment anxiety shy away from deep, exclusive love relationships. In her Psychoblog the author of the bestseller "Das Kind in dir mussl Heimat finden" (The child in you must find a home) deals with the background and the signs of attachment anxiety.

In every relationship alternate the Needs for closeness and distance. However, if you start to distance yourself even before the actual beginning of the love relationship, this is often related to a deep-seated fear. This can become a psychological problem and also trigger physical symptoms. In the end, both partners suffer from the commitment phobia of one.

Overcome your fear 

This anxiety is not always clearly identifiable. Perhaps those affected are not even aware that they suffer from commitment anxiety. They feel the anxiety, but do not know how to classify it.

But with a look behind the facade, you can find the causes and overcome the commitment phobia. Often the reasons lie in childhood experiences. Perhaps the parents behaved in a dismissive manner or crushed the child with excessive expectations. If you are afraid of annoying someone or of being too disappointyou automatically withdraw. The moment you see through this behavior, you can counteract it and overcome your inner fear of closeness.

commitment anxiety in men

You are in love, but are afraid of a relationship? Men often fear to lose their freedom when they meet a great partner. Why can't it stay with noncommittal sex without further commitment? With a friendship plus?

Again and again you experience that men feel crushed or are afraid that the relationship fails and they are alone again. Since it is better to remain independent and alone. Too great is the danger that the partner leaves the man and hurt.

What is it: commitment anxiety or no feelings? The answer is clear, because men also have very strong feelings. After all, it is the various emotions, which trigger the fear of relationships and also of rejection.

Commitment anxiety in women

Want to know more about female commitment anxiety and what women can do about it? Their self-determination continues to increase, so that there are now more and more single women. This is due to the increasing demands on the dream man - and the growing fear of being hurt.

So the reasons are similar to those of men. Women also want to have their own space. But they are more likely to admit their fear of rejection.

Also, women tend to fall in love with taken men. Is this perhaps a trick to protect themselves from too much closeness? But only if you overcome the fear of commitment, you can have a happy love relationship. If men as well as women are able to self-honestly reflect on the cause of their commitment anxiety, this is often the first path to healing.

Commitment Anxiety Hints

7 Tips for Recognizing Attachment Anxiety

Is your fear of a relationship already extreme or still in the normal range? You can tell by the external signs that are characteristic of various anxiety reactions. Typical physical symptoms of commitment anxiety are shortness of breath, sweating, racing heart, feeling of anxiety and trembling. These all indicate suppressed panic. In partnership, these seven signs of commitment anxiety also occur:

  1. Avoidance or evasion of physical affection,
  2. no talking about your feelings,
  3. the noticeable inner withdrawal from the partner,
  4. Seeking distance through own apartment or time-consuming hobbies,
  5. no plans for the future together,
  6. low expectations or hope,
  7. no close friendships.

Harsh words, an eternal back and forth between intense closeness and blatant distance, evasive maneuvers, an abrupt end to the relationship - these are typical behavior patterns of commitment phobics. Problems often arise just when the relationship is solidifying or demands a decision.

Do you want to move into a shared apartment or are you thinking about getting married? If you are internally shying away from this, it is a clear sign of commitment anxiety. Power plays within a long-term relationship can also indicate relationship anxiety. For example, the commitment-anxious and powerful partner will not agree to any binding compromises, while the dependent partner wants more closeness and suffers.

If you're honest with yourself and look at your inner life, you'll realize: fear of rejection and loss drives attachment anxiety behavior. Where does this fear come from? Do you think you don't deserve your partner's love? Are you afraid he might leave you?

That's why you create a support outside the relationship - work or a hobby that is your everything. So you don't feel lost when your partner leaves.

What about sex? That's for lovers. After the first passionate phase, even physical closeness has a threatening aura. To stay on the safe side, commitment-phobics often look for unusual types of relationships that leave a lot of room for manoeuvre. Affairs, love triangles and on-off relationships are not uncommon.

The most common reasons for commitment anxiety

The main reason for attachment anxiety and Relationship Inability is the fear of loss. If you don't enter into a committed love relationship, no one can leave you and unhappy make. Your evasive maneuvers are a protection against the possible pain.

Often it is negative childhood experiences that trigger attachment anxiety. A difficult Separation of parents, demanding or smothering parents, even too much closeness of parents - these are typical motives for attachment anxiety. With this baggage, it's hard for you to make good Making friends and have a trusting relationship.

Bad experiences in childhood and later in life can also develop a negative self-image that reinforces relationship anxiety. You may feel yourself to be inadequate: who could possibly like you? That's why it's important to learn to value and love yourself. Only with a certain Self-esteem you can engage in a love affair with another human being.

4 Tips for Dealing with Commitment Anxiety

When underlying fears threaten your relationship, smart action is needed. Otherwise, the wrong way of dealing with commitment anxiety can turn partners into enemies. It is all the more important to respond to the other person and to take their fear seriously. Repression does not help either of you.

Your partner shows typical symptoms and you ask yourself: How can I take away his fear of a relationship? First of all, commitment anxiety has nothing to do with a lack of love. The causes usually lie elsewhere - namely in the Past. YOU can't take it away from him. Of course it gives him security if you let him feel that you love him. But your partner gets to resolve that issue for himself. Not you.

What is the right way to behave now? Often both partners are very insecure and feel like they are losing control of the relationship. As the partner of a commitment phobe, you may feel responsible and your own fear of loss grows. You want to function as well as possible and support your partner - but this increases the pressure.

Experts therefore advise you to leave enough room for maneuver. The following four tips show you how to deal with your partner's fear of commitment. If these do not work, it may help to professional couple therapy.

- Tip 1: Show understanding. None of you is to blame for the Relationship crisis. As an independent, self-confident person, you can convey unconditional love to your favorite person. This gives him and yourself more security.

- Tip 2: Look carefully at the anxiety. Carefully point out the problem to your commitment-anxious partner. Ask him calmly what he is afraid of. Then you can consider together whether this fear is justified. This takes the power out of the threatening fear of commitment and loss. A look into the past is also helpful.

- Tip 3: Strengthen trust. By taking the fear seriously, your partner feels respected. This builds his Self-confidence on. In conversation, you find out more about your motives: Why is each of you acting this way right now? How did this argument come about? Where does the often inexplicable fear come from? If you are familiar with each other, you are on the right track - then you can also rethink your behaviour patterns.

- Tip 4: Allow freedom. If you suffer from commitment phobia, you should distance yourself from time to time. Your partner needs his places of retreat. This does not mean that there is no contact between you. With your own activities and free spaces you prove your mutual trust - and that brings you further in the relationship.

 own commitment anxiety

The path to self-knowledge: How can you overcome your own fear of commitment?

You think you're commitment-phobic yourself? A look in the mirror is not enough to find out. By thinking boldly about your inner life, you take an important step toward self-knowledge. The following questions will help you move forward:

- Do I really have relationship anxiety - or do I just want to live as a single person?

- What expectations do I have of the Life and my relationships?

- What am I afraid of - disappointment, loss of freedom, or dependence?

- What is the trigger for my fears?

- How can I overcome commitment anxiety?

One answer leads you to the next. Some reflections are factual - and thus take away your fear of unpleasant thoughts. Think also of positive Memories from previous relationships. Your own love life certainly has interesting stories to offer.

If you have a strong fear of commitment, professional psychological help may be necessary. In this case, therapy is recommended to provide you with safe guidance on the path to your anxious inner world.

How do you help yourself out of the quagmire of relationship anxiety? With useful tips you can overcome commitment anxiety. It starts with being aware of your fears. You can only fight something that you see - or feel. Face that fear and stay optimistic.

Perhaps you will be able to walk this path alone. Otherwise, you can consult a therapist or sign up for a support group. The first step is difficult. But you can only build trust if you open yourself up to others. To do this, it is important that you do not lose sight of your own wishes. Set limits - but believe in yourself and strengthen your hope for recovery.

Recognizing and overcoming commitment anxiety

What makes you different? Why do you act exactly the way you do, which Hopes and fears are guiding you? Do you feel attachment anxiety or what is it that is driving you? As you get to know yourself better, you begin to understand what is important to you and how your memories affect you.

You realize that you face the same challenges in your life over and over again? Learn in just a few minutes how to recognize and change your blocking thoughts. But also how you can become the person you really want to be. What are your values that you may already be living but want to bring more into your life? We support you in developing a powerful vision for your fulfilled future.

The safe Comfort zone was yesterday: From today on you look ahead. Decisions are easier for you and you allow more closeness - this is exactly how you overcome your fear of commitment.


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Reviewed by Dr. med. Stefan Frädrich

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