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With the five languages of love to a balanced relationship

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With the five languages of love to a balanced relationship

Those who really love each other understand each other blindly. Wait a minute, is that really true? Science clearly says: No! Not every lover speaks the same language. What is meant here are not foreign language barriers, but the five languages of love.

Although there's no doubt that you and your partner love each other, sometimes things pop because you simply misunderstand each other? This is a classic case of mistranslation in the five languages of love. You simply express your affection for each other in different ways, but the other person just doesn't understand, because they speak a different love language.

But that doesn't have to mean the end for your Relationship mean. You can learn the five languages of love! How to do that, what these languages are all about and how you can recognize your partner's love language, you can find out here.

Five languages of love: what is it?

The basis of the five languages of love is that everyone expresses their affection for another person in different ways. The concept comes from US couples counselor Gary Chapman, who published it in his book "5 Love Languages" in 1992. In his therapeutic sessions with a wide variety of couples, he repeatedly found that lovers often did not feel valued enough or believed that their partner was not being affectionate enough with him/her.

The core problem in most cases was that their communication was full of misunderstandings and they often simply did not perceive expressions of love as such.

Perhaps you have experienced this: Your partner has hardly ever told you that he/she loves you and doubts spread through you. In truth, however, he/she loved you more than anything, but did not want to show it to you with words, but with deeds, for example. So he/she simply spoke a different love language than you, which you simply did not understand.

love language

The five languages of love at a glance

In his observations, Chapman identified five languages of love that couples use to express affection and appreciation. We'll take a closer look at what these are below.

1. words of appreciation

You tell your partner every morning, every night before you go to bed and even in the middle of the day that you love him/her? You tell him/her what you value most about him/her and make it unmistakably clear how important he/she is to you? Then you like to hand out words of appreciation to express your love.

Whoever speaks this of the five languages of love wears the heart on the tongue and has no problems at all with expressing feelings straightforwardly. You don't have to think much about how best to put them into words. They just bubble out of you naturally. Recognition, thanks, appreciation, praise and compliments come from the bottom of your heart and are clear proof of love on your part.

2. gifts

Small or even big gifts that come from the bottom of your heart and are carefully thought out are another language of love. You would love to shower your partner with everything he/she desires and lay the whole world at his/her feet. Everywhere you go, you go in search of a little something for your sweetheart - whether it's your favorite candy, a flower, or your favorite dish from the fast food joint around the corner. You like to express your love with material things.

3. helpfulness

You offer your help to your partner, take over the cooking, just always want to relieve him/her and make his/her day as pleasant as possible. You communicate your love by being helpful in all situations and behave very obliging in everyday life. Since you want to support your sweetheart as much as possible, you see it as a matter of course to help him/her out. This language of love is often dismissed as politeness, but it is proof of your deep affection.

4. time together

Hardly anything is more valuable than time. Do you agree? Then it is probably the greatest proof of love for you when your partner consciously takes time just for you. The smartphone is muted and the entire attention belongs only to you. You introduce joint rituals. Or pursue hobbies together, have a weekly datight just for the two of you. You might even manage to have dinner together every day. You can talk and listen to each other in peace and quiet.

5. physical touch

Physical expressions of love are part of every relationship - in most cases at least. For some, this has a higher value than for others. Physical closeness can also be used to convey emotional closeness. For example, a kiss or simply a hug can say "I love you" much more clearly than words ever could. If you speak this language of love, you will always seek physical closeness and small touches.

The most common love language

In 2010, Chapman had 10,000 people take his online quiz. When he analyzed the results, he found that words of appreciation was the one of the five languages of love that most used - but the result was close. In 2018, dating app Hinge conducted an analysis of its users and came to a different conclusion. Here, time together was the most commonly used language.

A generally valid statement about which love language is the most frequently used can therefore not be made. Decisive factors include gender, Habitsvalues and culture. In Asian culture, for example, it is very rare to see partners publicly exchanging expressions of love, while in Europe it is commonplace.

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How do I recognize my love language?

To help you figure out which of the five languages of love you speak, we've put together a little catalog for you. For each love language, we've gathered some statements and you decide whether you agree or disagree with them. The language whose statements you agree with the most is your primary love language.

Words of appreciation

  1. You like to hear your partner tell you that he/she loves you. These words mean a lot to you and take away your worries.
  2. You appreciate it very much when people recognize and praise you. You are happy when your deeds are appreciated with kind words. This is especially true when you do not expect it.
  3. You feel valued when your partner notices small changes, like a new hairstyle or a new piece of clothing.
  4. If you have done something nice for your partner, you are especially happy when he/she comments positively.
  5. It is very important to you that your partner says "thank you" when you have done something nice. Then you feel heard and validated.

Time together

  1. You like to spend time with your partner undisturbed. You enjoy togetherness and banish all distractions.
  2. It means a lot to you if your partner always puts you first in his/her schedule and never cancels plans with you.
  3. Making memories together that you can look back on later is incredibly important to you. The same goes for sharing new experiences.
  4. You know how precious time is, which is why you soak up every second you spend with your partner.
  5. You feel satisfied and just happy when you are with your partner, even if you are just sitting next to each other watching TV. It doesn't matter what you do, as long as you are together.

Gifts

  1. You feel especially valued when you receive something as a gift. You see not only the gift itself, but the thought behind it. This makes the gift a meaningful thing that reminds you again and again that your partner is thinking of you.
  2. After a great vacation together, you like to take home a souvenir that reminds you of the great time at home.
  3. You believe that meaningful gifts connect and strengthen the bond between you and your partner.
  4. For you, no birthday or Christmas goes by without you giving your loved ones something special. You want to show them how much they mean to you.
  5. When someone gives you a gift, it makes you feel that the person cares about you and that you are very important to them.

Helpfullness

  1. When your spouse supports you in your daily life and helps you carry out your responsibilities, you feel well cared for.
  2. It means a lot to you when your partner comes to your rescue. This way you trust him/her more and more.
  3. You think that talk doesn't mean much. What really counts is whether words are followed by action. You need someone who takes action and doesn't just talk. This gives you the feeling that you can rely on this person.
  4. When you are stressed or tired, you want your partner to see this as an opportunity to take some of the burden off your shoulders.
  5. You feel especially loved when your partner takes small tasks off your hands just to do you a favor and make your life a little easier.

Physical touch

  1. You look forward all day to when you can finally hold your loved one again.
  2. When you receive physical affection, you feel safe. You want it to be available to you as often as possible, for example, in the form of holding hands or cuddling.
  3. You want your partner to show that you belong to him/her through physical affection, even in public.
  4. When your partner is sitting next to you, you want to snuggle up to him/her. You automatically put your hand on his/her thigh or stroke his/her back.
  5. The sexual aspect is very important to you in a relationship. Then you feel especially close to your partner and loved.

Can I have more than one love language?

You may have noticed in the test that you speak more than one of the five languages of love. Yes, that is indeed possible. Mixed forms are very widespread; after all, not just one aspect is important to most people in a relationship. Nevertheless, one form often dominates, even if it only just outweighs the other.

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Not all couples speak the same of the five languages of love

We have already talked about this briefly: Again and again couples speak a different language of love. This often gives the impression that one partner loves more than the other. Sometimes, however, this is not true. In most cases, they simply show their affection for each other in different ways. Each feels his or her own way is the right way and the partner's way seems wrong.

Thus, each believes that the other loves him/her less, even though their expressions of love are there, just not received. It is not uncommon, for example, that one partner considers time to be particularly valuable. The other, on the other hand, tries to compensate for the lack of time with helpfulness, but this simply doesn't come across to his/her sweetheart.

Or do you like to bring your partner small gifts? You mean well, but perhaps he/she sees words of appreciation as much more important and simply can't do anything with your presents. Opposites like these always lead to misunderstandings. Only when you manage to translate your love languages will you understand that your feelings for each other are balanced.

How to recognize your partner's love language

Just like foreign languages, you can learn the five languages of love. But of course there is no dictionary for that. The rule here is: learning by doing! Actively approach your partner and ask him/her directly what makes him/her happy. In which moments does he/she feel especially loved by you? Feel free to use the questions from our test.

The five languages of love weld you together

Words of appreciation, small attentions, support, time together and tenderness are part of every relationship. So the question is not so much what constitutes a partnership for you, but rather which point you ascribe how much importance. But your partner may see it quite differently. That's why communication is essential, so that you can learn to understand and appreciate each other's love languages.

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Reviewed by Dr. med. Stefan Frädrich

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