You've taken off your rose-colored glasses, everyday life has taken hold, and your life together is just going along. Maintaining a relationship for years and decades means work. Have you ever asked yourself if it is worth this work at all? Have you been questioning more and more lately why you are actually together? Do you keep wondering if you're really happy and get sullen when you think about it? The number of couples who are unhappy in relationship is higher than you think.
Why is that and who actually defines what makes us unhappy? What can you do to save your relationship and lead you back to happiness? You can read all about it here.
Unhappy in relationship - What you should pay attention to
Humans are quasi pack animals, it's in our genes. Even our ancestors, who found their first homes in caves, joined together in groups. That's how they ensured their survival, because together you're always stronger than alone. Even if this is no longer the reason why we form partnerships and start families nowadays, it is still deeply anchored in us.
We are still need-oriented creatures and want to secure our existence. This means not only that we need air, water, food and living space, but also security. And this is what a partnership offers us. Admittedly, that sounds quite purposeful. Of course, a relationship is not only there to satisfy our need for security. It is so much more.
Your partner is your rock, your home, your better half, a part of your soul - at least as long as you are happy in your relationship. You can't share this view at all? Then go into yourself and ask yourself if you are unhappy in relationship.
Unhappy in relationship: 10 signs that you are in an unhappy relationship
Are you unsure if your relationship is simply at a point where it needs a little more work or if it's even at the end? Various criteria can help you shed some light on the situation. We've compiled 10 possible signs for you.
1. you have nothing more to say to each other
A relationship thrives on communication. This also includes the resolution of conflicts. In this way, you even advance your relationship, because if you discuss things, you show that you still care about your togetherness and that you want to resolve the conflict. But if there is complete silence in all respects, then you have probably drifted apart.
2. you do not spend couple time anymore
Time for two is sacred in a relationship. It is only about the two of you and no one else. Are you no longer interested in spending quality time with your partner? Are you bored or are you even starting to think of it as a waste of time?
3. your friends are more important to you
You'd much rather hang out with your friends than spend time with your partner? This is a bad sign. With your significant other you share the big and small things of your everyday life, swap stories and can't wait to tell him/her the most exciting news. You prefer to share them with friends? Then you seem to be unhappy in relationship.
4. you feel emotionally abandoned
Emotional closeness is what makes a relationship work. If you're having a bad day, your partner will catch you and offer you a sympathetic ear. But if you come home and don't feel like pouring out your heart because you know your partner won't listen to you anyway, the house is in trouble.
5. unhappy in relationship: you live past each other
Of course, each partner is an independent person who leads his own life. But at the same time, both share a common life. That means your daily lives are interwoven. Are you unhappy in relationship? Do you no longer have any common interests? Do you not really know what the other person has been doing all day and it doesn't even bother you?
6. the bad memories prevail
How fondly you think back on the good times and always collect new positive memories that you can review together later. But you suddenly find it quite difficult to think of anything positive, because the negative memories eclipse those beautiful ones.
7. you no longer value yourselves
Your partner comes home and greets you, but you just roll your eyes. You are no longer happy when your partner comes home and you always react annoyed. In conflict situations you even insult each other and nothing sounds like a loving partnership anymore.
8. unhappy in relationship: you withdraw more and more
You have little interest in interacting with your partner. You don't feel the need to tell him about your day and you hardly listen to him when he wants to share something with you. You no longer accept nice gestures and instead block them out completely.
9. you are always in a bad mood
When was the last time you really laughed with your partner? You can't remember? This is a bad sign. You don't give him/her a smile anymore and feel somehow depressed around him/her.
10. you keep thinking how it would be without your partner
You keep fantasizing about what your life would be like with another partner or what it would be like if you were single. You think your life would be easier then and a burden would fall from you. Finally you can do what you want without your relationship holding you back.
Unhappy in relationship: Why do people live in such a partnership?
Being in a relationship is not always easy. But neither is ending one. Numerous couples are unhappy in relationships at the bottom of their hearts, but simply do not dare to leave this chapter behind. Why is that?
The English law firm Slater Gordon Lawyers asked itself the same question and therefore commissioned a study on the topic of "Unhappy in Relationship". A total of 2,000 married couples were surveyed, and one in five of them would have been ready to end the marriage immediately, had it not been for certain reasons that prevented them from doing so. These included financial dependence, despondency, fear of loneliness and leaving familiar and secure surroundings. In the case of couples with children, of course, they also played an important role. So a lot of things come together here. And that's somehow understandable, isn't it?
Who likes to give up the life they have built up over so many years overnight? The shared home, the shared friends, the shared possessions - all that would suddenly be gone. That can be frightening. And as we all know, fear is often stronger than reason. And that's exactly why so many couples remain unhappy in relationships.
Fear fights against the heart
In relationships, people often tend to simply stay in the situation. If you no longer enjoy being together, there is still the habit of coming home to your partner and going about everyday life together. If it then comes to an argument, one often accuses oneself of exactly that. "Then go! But you wouldn't dare anyway," they say, and quite often that's true.
Again and again you lie in bed in the evening, look at your partner and think about how you can finally pluck up the courage to leave and what life will be like then. How long will it take to live in regular circumstances again and will you even get to know a new partner? And there it is again, the fear that fights against what the heart is calling for.
Yes, Separations are hard. But if you persevere in a relationship you don't really want, you're denying yourself the chance to find true happiness. Even if it means spending some time without a partner, it will be worth it. But it doesn't always have to be a direct breakup.
Unhappy in relationship? What you can do
Maybe you have already found the partner for life, but you just lost sight of each other. You have forgotten that every relationship needs attention and neglect each other. The be-all and end-all is communication. One of the most common reasons for breakups is that one of the partners feels unheard and misunderstood.
Do you feel that way? Then talk about it! Talk openly about your needs and also ask your partner about his or her wishes. After all, neither of you is a psychic. Only when you talk to each other can you know what is important to the other person and work together to find solutions to your problems.
Do not point the finger at others
It's always someone else's fault, but never your own. This calculation doesn't work out, you surely realize that yourself. If all you do is bicker, then look inside yourself and ask yourself why. Are you taking your displeasure out on your partner, e.g. because you have problems at work for which he has absolutely nothing to do?
Are you dissatisfied with yourself, but blame it on your partnership? Do you demand an incredible amount from your friend, but hardly give anything back yourself? The problem is not always on the other side. If you don't put your own house in order, it will be difficult to get rid of your conflicts once and for all.
Not all problems can always be solved by yourself, and there's no shame in that. If you both admit to yourselves that you can't do it alone, but that you want to save your partnership at all costs, that's a sign of strength. Couples therapy can help you resolve the conflicts in your relationship and finally look happily into the future again.
Tips to save you if you are unhappy in relationship
If you are unhappy in relationship, it doesn't mean that it has to fail. There are so many things you both can do to bring happiness back to your togetherness. We've put together five tips to help you work on your relationship.
1. relationship islands in everyday life
Everyday life can be a real relationship killer. There's so much to do that your partner quickly gets left out. But this is exactly the mistake that so many couples make. At some point, they take each other for granted and pay less and less attention to each other. But that's exactly what a happy relationship thrives on.
What can help you are so-called relationship islands. Build in small gaps in your everyday life that belong only to you. This can be a cozy hour on the couch in the evening, a walk on the weekend or a date night in a restaurant. Of course, no one has time for this every day - and that's not a bad thing. Set a goal to have a few hours just for you at least once a week, or to take at least half an hour every evening to share and appreciate each other.
2. unhappy in relationship? Get rid of pent up anger
Even happy couples argue from time to time. In fact, that's important. If something bothers you, talk about it openly and don't keep it bottled up. At some point, it will bubble up inside you so strongly that you might explode and your partner won't understand at all where this outburst suddenly comes from.
After all, you never said anything. You're only making things worse. Don't be afraid of small conflicts, because they are much easier to resolve than large amounts of pent-up frustration.
3. write a wish list
Is it Christmas again? No, that's not what we mean. Rather, it is a question of each of you noting down what he / she important in the relationship and what you want for your personal future. Are your ideas still the same?
If they don't agree 100 %, can you still come to an agreement? Can you find compromises that make you both happy? Then the mission to save your relationship is successful.
4. accept small quirks
Nobody is perfect, not even you - so don't expect that from your partner. Everyone has little quirks but these are not a reason for separation. Think about yourself and consider whether these little things really bother you to such an extent that further cohabitation is no longer possible. Don't forget that you surely also have one or the other quirk that your partner tolerates. Our little mistakes are what make us human.
5. appreciates you
Just say thank you! What sounds obvious is in fact often not. Show gratitude for the little things, too, because that's how you give each other a feeling of appreciation. Your partner brought you something from your favorite fast food place while you were out and about! Then don't forget to say thank you.
Even though you may take it for granted that he/she gives you little pleasures now and then, that doesn't mean you don't appreciate it. Because you should! You would secretly expect a little thank you the other way around, wouldn't you? Of course, you don't have to thank each other profusely for even the smallest handshake. But you should show a certain appreciation for the other person every day.
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