No desire for sex: How frustration becomes pleasure again

Reading time 7 minutes
No desire for sex: How frustration becomes pleasure again

There's no question about it: hardly anyone likes to talk about sexual problems. Men in particular often find it difficult to admit that they don't feel like having sex. This phenomenon occurs regardless of gender and is no reason to be ashamed. The first step in counteracting the lack of desire is to get the topic out of the taboo zone. The following article will therefore help you as a couple.

Why are we talking about a lack of desire?

A lack of desire can put a lot of strain on a partnership, especially if it is one-sided. The partner who is more interested in intimacy feels rejected or begins to doubt their attractiveness. If, on the other hand, you are the one who doesn't feel like having sex, you feel under pressure. Tensions in the relationship are therefore inevitable.

In addition, there is a stigma attached to the topic of lack of desire. Men who don't feel like having sex feel unmanly. Women are often labeled as frigid. So it's no wonder that the topic is hushed up and you suffer in silence as a sufferer ... Which makes it all the more important that we talk about this topic! You are by no means alone with this problem.

Realize that your current lack of interest in sex can be something completely natural. Even if the media or erotic movies tell you otherwise, you don't always have to feel like it! This expectation is simply unrealistic. You shouldn't apply them to yourself or your partner. It's much more about communicating with your partner and finding out the causes.

Why don't I feel like having sex?

The reasons why you don't feel like having sex can be both physical and psychological, with the latter being much more common. You may be going through a difficult phase in your life. If something is stressing you out and you need to make decisions it's perfectly understandable that you don't have your head free for sex or can't let yourself go.

But interpersonal problems can also be the cause. If there is a crisis between you and your partner in other respects, this can of course contribute to the fact that you are not bubbling over with lust. Mental illnesses such as anxiety disorders and depression can also lead to a loss of libido.

When it comes to the physical causes, it is worth differentiating between men and women, which we will discuss in more detail later on. Below we have therefore listed the general physical causes that can lead to a loss of libido:

  • Thyroid problems
  • Heart disease
  • Diabetes
  • Renal insufficiency
  • Liver diseases
  • Alcoholism
  • certain medications (e.g. antidepressants)
no more desire for sex

No desire for sex - a look at the figures

If you don't feel like having sex, you often feel incredibly alone. A look at current surveys and statistics proves that this is not the case. In an extensive telephone survey conducted by the US sociologist Edward Laumann around 16 % of women and 33 % of men stated that they had had little desire for sex in the past 12 months.

However, it is important to note whether those affected suffer from their sexual Listlessness suffer. Only in the latter case is there a need for action. At this point, we take up the results of a Hamburg study according to which 51 % of the female and 24 % of the male respondents stated that they felt little sexual interest. However, only a total of 10 % would suffer from this.

Why do women sometimes not feel like having sex?

Whether women actually don't feel like having sex more often than men, as the surveys suggest - or whether men perhaps don't quite honest can of course never be determined with one hundred percent certainty. What is certain, however, is that there are numerous reasons for female libido loss. This is also evident from representative surveys out.

In particular, female listlessness can be observed in two phases of life: shortly after the birth of a child and during the menopause. In both cases, the cause is hormones. After giving birth, oestrogen levels fall and the female cycle is suppressed by the breastfeeding hormone prolactin. This hormone constellation minimizes libido. In addition, there is the processing of the birth experience.

During the menopause, oestrogen levels also fall sharply and permanently, which can result in dryness of the mucous membranes, for example. Sex is then perceived as unpleasant and painful. The use of hormonal contraceptives is a further cause of female desire. Any medication that interferes with the body's hormonal balance can potentially affect libido.

No desire for sex in men - what's behind it?

Even if some men don't like to admit it: Men sometimes don't feel like having sex either and this is completely normal. For example, many men don't realize that they are also going through the menopause. From the age of 50, testosterone levels fall naturally, which leads to a reduced sexual desire.

A vitamin D deficiency can also be associated with a loss of libido, as vitamin D influences or increases the production of testosterone. The same applies vice versa for alcohol. Drinking too much alcohol lowers testosterone levels and also leads to erectile dysfunction.

In addition to physical causes, it is not uncommon for men to experience an aversion to sex during their partner's pregnancy, shortly after giving birth or while breastfeeding. However, this normally regulates itself with Time. If the problem persists in the long term, it is advisable to seek help.

5 tips for rediscovering desire

Below we would like to give you 5 tips on how you can rediscover your desire.

1. masturbation

Hardly anyone talks about it, but everyone does it. Masturbation is the very best way to find out what excites you and what you like without any pressure. Make sure that you are undisturbed and that you relax you can.

2. talk to your partner

Don't feel like having sex because everything feels the same? Then talk to your partner about your wishes and fantasies. Admittedly, this takes courage. But otherwise you will remain dissatisfied.

3. try out new things

Speaking of the formula: Don't be afraid to try something new. This starts with the ambience. Sex doesn't always have to take place in bed ... Trying out toys and new positions can also get things going again. Relationship bring. Important: Don't put any pressure on yourselves! You don't have to go through the Kama Sutra, just try things that appeal to both of you.

4. allow proximity

The desire for sex in a partnership depends very much on the emotional Connectedness off. Show each other how important you are to each other with small gestures. Make sure you spend nice, intimate moments with your partner away from the bedroom (e.g. a day at the seaside or a nice candlelit dinner). Ideally, these moments will then lead to sexual desire again. But you can also ask yourself honestly: Why do I find it difficult to allow closeness? What does that have to do with me?

5. get inspiration

The same applies to porn as to masturbation: It is somehow considered frowned upon even in our enlightened times, but everyone is still curious. There are definitely aesthetic erotic films that women also like and that can serve as a source of inspiration for you. This can be particularly helpful if you are inhibited about expressing your sexual desires in your own words.

no desire for sex

The role of coaching in overcoming sexual disinterest

As sexual disinterest often has psychological causes, it is not easy to overcome these problems alone. Sometimes it is also a matter of unconscious blockages that can hardly be resolved without professional help. An outsider can assess the situation without emotions, which is particularly valuable when it comes to such a sensitive topic as sexuality.

Professional Help in the form of coaching or therapy can help you as a couple to find out the causes of the lack of sexual interest, analyze them in a non-judgmental way and develop strategies to solve them.

Rekindle your relationship and love without sexual pressure

The biggest mistake you can make when you are sexually unhappy is to put yourself or your partner under pressure. Mental pressure is the number one pleasure killer and ensures that nothing works in bed. Please don't have the expectation that you absolutely have to have sex! You don't have to do anything. You and your partner can also be physically close in other ways.

Enjoy your time together, have great conversations and create moments together. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. You'll see: Once the pressure is off and the underlying problems have been resolved, the desire will often return of its own accord. And if you actually have less sex than when you were younger, but then enjoy it very much, that's fine too.

What to do if you still don't feel like having sex?

If the sexual reluctance persists for longer than six months and you are suffering greatly from it, you should have the causes investigated medically or psychologically. This doesn't have to be unpleasant! The first point of contact is your family doctor, gynecologist or urologist.

Conclusion: The journey to rediscovering your sexuality

Not feeling like having sex is nothing to be ashamed of. This applies to both men and women. As long as you don't suffer from it, you don't have to change the situation. However, if you are suffering, there are numerous ways and possibilities to tackle the problem. Clarifying physical and psychological causes is one of them.

Be patient with yourself and your partner. Try out together what fulfills you sexually. This journey can be very exciting and offer an opportunity for personal growth. You learn to communicate your desires openly and thus build an even deeper bond with your partner.


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Reviewed by Dr. med. Stefan Frädrich

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