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Process separation: Accept what is and shows up with you

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Process separation: Accept what is and shows up with you

When a love comes to an end, the pain is great. You no longer feel like a complete person and withdraw from everything. It doesn't help that many people feel the same way. After all, there were over 140,000 divorces in Germany in 2020, according to the Statistics prove. Then there are the many relationships without a marriage certificate that break up. And yet many people ask themselves the same question: "How can I come to terms with my separation?

How can you overcome such a separation? With time, the pain of separation should subside, and you can do something yourself to make it better. Psychological tips will help you on the way to a more relaxed attitude.

Processing separations takes time

It takes a while to work through the pain of your breakup. There is no timetable, nor is there a panacea. How long does it take you to process your breakup? When will your emotional injuries heal? Every person ticks in his or her own way and processes the breakup in an individual way. It can take two weeks, three months or over a year to come to terms with a breakup.

The theme The Pain of Separation plays a big role in your personal development. At Greator you will learn a lot about the inner connections and the characteristics of psychological problems. The reason for this is the strong influence that relationships and also separations have on your entire attitude towards life.

Your dreams are shaken by the breakup after a long, intense relationship. The entire future seems to stand on uncertain feet. This is already evident in the drastic changes in everyday life that a breakup brings. If the partners live together, a move is imminent: Are both moving out or just one? If there are children, it becomes even more difficult. And a separation often stirs up old beliefs such as "I'm not good enough" and "I'm not lovable" or fears of loss.

9 tips for separation processing

It's over - these words introduce a difficult phase. Even if you don't want to admit the pain: It is important that you can process the breakup. The following nine tips will help you do that:

  1. Talk to your best friends and close relatives about your breakup pain and accept the relationship ending. There is some relief in this.
  2. Own your feelings. You are allowed to cry or be angry. It is no use to repress your negative emotions: Let them out, react off.
  3. If you want to overcome the pain of separation, you must not brood too much. If you close the relationship internally, you will have your head free for other things.
  4. Write down your thoughts. This way you can on the one hand express your feelings in Putting words and on the other hand process the separation. Writing has a therapeutic effect. If you write with pen and paper, you can keep what you have written and read it again later - whether as a letter to yourself, to your ex-partner or as a diary entry.
  5. Recognize the positive things. Dealing with the breakup means analyzing the relationship. By becoming aware of the problems, you will evolve.
  6. Work on your self-esteem and take control of your life. With more focus on yourself, you become aware of where you want to go and what really brings you joy.
  7. Coming to terms with a breakup also means coming to terms with memories. You don't have to throw away all the photos you took together. However, the past relationship is no longer part of your everyday life. Pack the memories in a box and put it aside. Then you can devote yourself to the past at a later time - and let it go more and more.
  8. Look ahead. You may not have been a good match after all. Stay optimistic: With open eyes, you might find a new partner.
  9. Don't get stuck, but be willing to change. Do not be dissatisfiedbut strengthen your positive feelings. This works especially well if you don't let yourself get too comfortable.
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Dealing with particularly difficult separation situations

In psychology, processing separation is a big topic. In toxic relationships, extreme reactions occur. Those who are already aggressive quickly take their anger out on their ex-partner or other people. Addicted individuals quickly turn to alcohol or drugs to dampen their grief. In difficult cases, the end of a relationship triggers traumatic experiences, for example when children suffer from the separation.

Separation with children

When a family breaks up, it's not just the parents who have to come to terms with the separation. The children also need help to cope with the drastic change. A difficult phase begins, which may be marked by fears and a search for identity. With the divorce, the parents hope to solve their problems. This can also be a relief for children, since the constant quarrels are over. But the distance between the parents, who were always together before, puts a strain on the children. The emotional pressure is correspondingly great.

Try to self-honestly reflect on your issues that a breakup brings. This self-knowledge sometimes hurts, but it is also a wonderful way to heal.

Separation despite regular contact

Processing separation despite contact - this case occurs when the former couple has common children and/or continues to have the same friends and hobbies. Here it is difficult to keep a distance internally and leave the relationship level out of it. It becomes particularly problematic if one of the ex-partners still has hope of reviving the relationship.

For children, it is easier when parents continue to meet on good terms. For parents, however, this new ordinariness is a burden. There are a few points that need special attention:

  • Fixed visiting times provide a rhythm.
  • Children should know that they are not to blame for the situation.
  • Try to remain a team as parents: Clarify responsibilities.
  • Note to self: It's okay to be sad, disappointed or angry. Everything that shows up is allowed to be there.

For the adult couples and also for the children, self-esteem is very important. A strong identity equips them for the future and makes them capable of relating.

Men and women deal with a separation differently

When a relationship ends, the pain of separation must be processed. Men and women deal with this differently. Women usually grieve with lots of tears and endless conversations. They let themselves be comforted by their girlfriends, to whom they lament their sorrow. Men, on the other hand, often play it cool and soon go out again.

An Binghamton University study in New York confirms this cliché: women react very strongly emotionally when they process a breakup. They analyze the relationship and often feel guilty. They suffer emotionally and intensely.

In contrast, men push the emotional work away from themselves and act as if they are finally free. They appear loud and aggressive. But repressing the emotions doesn't help; it only drags out the processing time.

In other words, women suffer intensely and briefly, while men repress and thus suffer longer. If you do not allow your pain, the risk of worse psychological problems increases. That is why it is better if you can consciously process the breakup. Allow yourself to accept the individual phases during the breakup, let them be there, go through them and come into the feeling.

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These 5 steps will help you process a breakup

Coming to terms with a breakup emotionally and mentally - that can take time. Especially if you've been dumped and don't understand the reasons. Also, processing a breakup as a breakup artist is not always easy. The following five steps show how most people overcome the pain of a breakup.

  1. The first phase of displacement can hardly be avoided. At the beginning, it is difficult for you to accept the end of the relationship. Maybe you try to get in touch again and again. But if you don't want to accept the breakup, you close yourself off to the future. It is better to take a step forward.
  2. If you have accepted the separation, the path leads you first to the Emotional world. Grief and anger are part of the processing. Thoughts of revenge can also arise. In this case, it makes sense to vent your anger in other activities, such as sports. In this way, you will get rid of your excess energy and your disappointment and feelings of anger will subside.
  3. Is there really no more hope for the partnership? Sometimes the ex-partners start a new attempt to save the relationship. In this third step new negotiations are possible. In some cases, a solidified, mature relationship can result. However, without personal development and compromise on both sides, the chances are slim.
  4. When reconciliation doesn't work or step 3 fails, it often begins a emotional suffering phase. Grief over the past relationship leads to sleep disturbances and listlessness. Depressive moods make the situation even worse. This phase is part of the process of coming to terms with a breakup. However, with the help of friends you will find your way out of the low. Professional therapy can also be useful to avoid depression.
  5. Step 5 contains the Acceptance of the separation and is indispensable for a new beginning. No matter how much time the previous phases take: At some point, you'll feel that you've moved on. When you Separation If you are able to deal with the problems of the past, you will be able to look ahead again. This can be achieved with a positive outlook and with conscious, forward-looking personal development.

In the course of these five phases, you become clearly aware of your own feelings. An end always conceals a new beginning. That doesn't have to mean that you jump right into the next relationship. Rather, take your time during the separation phase.

Not every relationship lasts forever and high expectations are rarely fulfilled. Depending on the situation, a friendly relationship can develop between the ex-partners. Especially if there are children, this is a significant point. Badmouthing the other person is not a good idea, because everyone involved suffers from it. Angry outbursts and slights also do not help anyone.

overcoming separation

Conclusion: Dealing with separation - with patience and acceptance

Coming to terms with the end of a relationship is difficult and takes a long time. The breakup throws you completely off track - nothing is the same as it was. Give yourself time to grieve and to sort out your thoughts. With the necessary calmness you will go through the separation phases from repression to acceptance.

The Greator Relationship Webinar helps you to assess your relationship - or even the end of a relationship - correctly. Here you learn a lot about conflict work and about your own wishes. Clear communication is just as important as a positive attitude. The concrete tips will get you back on track and strengthen your self-esteem.

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Reviewed by Dr. med. Stefan Frädrich

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